2007 Resolutions

  A new year is here, and new years come with a lot of traditions.  Whether it’s Dick Clark or bowl games, parades or black-eyed peas, we like to adhere to time-tested ways of ringing in the new year.  As we say goodbye to the year that was and gracefully slip into 2007, the year is greeted with another “Pulse” tradition: our 3^rd annual New Year’s resolutions for other people.

  • Kate Moss:  If the rumors about her weekend marriage to no-good rocker Pete Doherty turn out to be true, Ms. Moss needs to put “annulment” at the top of her “Things-To-Do-In-2007” list.  And I’m talking about a Cher-and-Gregg-Allman, Britney-and-that-first-guy, lickity-split, ink’s-not-dry, pre-honeymoon annulment. 

  • Eminem:  I know love is confusing and love can be strange, but NO MORE MARRYING KIM.  Not for the kid, not because she’s changed, and not because she lost 3½ pounds or doesn’t eat Skittles anymore.  Not for ANY reason.  Let’s try to go all year without a wedding and/or a divorce.  Whaddya say?

  • Mark Foley and Pastor Ted Haggard: Find a new job.

  • Katie Rees, former Miss Nevada USA:  Ditto.

  •  Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, Haley Joel Osment, Mike Tyson, John Michael Montgomery, Nicole Richie, George Michael and Tom Wopat:  The new year brings new opportunities for you.  This year, rework your budget and factor in a personal driver.  Celebrity DUI’s may have been big in 2006, but Mel Gibson ruined that for everyone.  If Billy Joel can clean up his act, so can you.  Let’s go for a no-repeat 2007.

  •  Naomi Campbell:  2007 is going to be a good year for you, as soon as you check yourself into anger management classes.  As a culture, we are tolerant of bad behavior from supermodels.  (See Kate Moss.)  Second order of business for the new year: a cell phone endorsement deal.

  • Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards, Heather Locklear, Richie Sambora and David Spade:  Great work in 2006, but in the new year you should be looking for syndication and distribution.  Your tangled web of marital meltdowns and backbiting NEEDS a network home.  Talk about a show that has it all.  Collectively, you could breathe the life back into reality TV.  Get Mark Burnett on the phone.  Now!

  • Heather Mills:  Enough already.  Every time you open your mouth, someone else begins hating you, and your divorce settlement gets smaller.  Enter 2007 in silence, and see if things don’t get better.  Sign up for some Jennifer Anniston classes, and stop being so darn hateable. 

  •  Celebrity Scientologists:  Tom Cruise, Isaac Hayes, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and the rest of you.  If you want to believe in alien saviors, that’s fine.  Really.  But when you can’t stop talking about it, the rest of us kinda start thinking you’re crazy.  And it’s not really an anti-Scientology thing.  We look at Kirk “The End Is Near” Cameron and Stephen “God Hates Porn” Baldwin the same way.

  I’ll leave you with a quick reminder of last year’s advice.  If you are going to make a resolution for yourself, keep it to yourself.  It reduces accountability, and you won’t be hearing “I told you so” in March.  Happy new year.

 -From Pulse
   January 4, 2007

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Another New Year

With the new year upon us, it’s time once again for another rousing round of resolutions. This is the time of year we all resolve to become better people, in one way or another. We promise to upgrade our Human Operating System to version 2.0; we’ll be kinder, quit smoking, lose weight and spend more time with family.

Of course by March, we’re back up to a pack a day, twenty pounds over our “holiday weight,” and stealing our co-worker’s stapler in the middle of the night. That is why, for the second year in a row, I won’t be making any resolutions of my own. Instead, I’ve decided to once again make resolutions for other people.

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes—In 2006, Tom and Katie must resolve to get a room. And stay there. Maybe Tom should follow Johnny Depp’s lead; move to Europe and become obscure.

• Madonna—It’s time to hang it up. You’re not Tina Turner. No more children’s books, no more albums, no more horseback riding. Just sit back and enjoy the role of pop royalty. Do Ellen, do Regis, do Letterman, and then just relax. It’ll be okay. We won’t forget you. But if you keep making Juarez-club music, we’re going to pack you up and move you there.

• Movie Production Companies—Okay, we’ve tried a year without any Christmas movies; it didn’t work. In years past, we have had two or three Christmassy releases in theaters by August or September. Now, this usually ticks me off, but this year holiday moviegoers were forced to see “Harry Potter And The Goblet of Fire.” Again. In 2006, I expect to see more Christmas movies in theaters. Bring ‘em back, and no later than August.

• Paris Hilton—In the coming year, you must stop calling yourself an “actress.” I saw “House Of Wax,” that’s not acting. And that other tape you made? Well, that’s probably acting but it’s not very good. In fact, you should assume the title of “anomaly.” You’re famous for doing nothing at all, and that’s rare. Even the “where’s the beef” lady was famous for saying “where’s the beef.”

“Socialite” is even a stretch, because it implies grace and dignity.

• Record Companies—No more re-issues of CDs that are only five months old. This year we saw Super Special Collector Editions of several of the year’s best sellers, each with two or three “bonus tracks.” Okay, I’ve already purchased the CD once. Now I have to buy it again?

You’ve already sold a million copies; now you’re relying on cheap marketing gimmicks to sell a million more. It’s this kind of corporate greed and disrespect for the consumer that causes people to copy CDs illegally.

I’ll leave you with a little advice. As we shut the door on 2005 and step into 2006, keep your own resolutions to yourself. It reduces accountability and makes them easier to break.

-From Pulse
December 29, 2005

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A Promising New Year

  Many of you have already begun the annual tradition of New Year’s resolutions.  Many of you are six days into your self-torture and sacrifice.  New Year’s resolutions have been around for almost four thousand years; they have been a part of the calendar year for almost as long as the calendar itself.

  In 1500 B.C., ancient Babylonians made their resolutions.  Among the Babylonians, the most common resolve was to return borrowed farm equipment.  And they probably still had the rotor tiller in their front yard in June.

Over three millenniums later, it’s more common to give up smoking or promise oneself to lose weight with the New Year.  In fact, it would be interesting to look up national sales figures for cigarettes and candy bars during the first three months of a given year.  I imagine that they would be considerably lower than the remaining nine months.  By March or April, the resolution is often a vague memory.  About the time we start writing the correct year in our checkbook, we pick up the cigarettes or snack cakes again.

  This may seem cynical.  That’s because I think that resolutions are like British Royalty, noble but powerless.  They are promises to ourselves that we almost invariably break.  Resolutions have always seemed to me like 365 days of Lent. 

  So this year I have no resolution.  But I thought it would be fun to make resolutions for other people.  This is what I came up with:

  • Ron Artest—this year you are to give up basketball and hip-hop; you are giving them a bad reputation.  You are to spend more time trying to get into the Ultimate Fighting Championships, where your talents would be better showcased.

  • Billy Joel—this year you are to give up either the bottle or your driver’s license.  It’s up to you.  Get a driver or put down the screwdriver.  It’s 2005, and time for an important decision.  No more crashing into houses.

  • Young Buck—See Ron Artest.

  • Any celebrity with their own fragrance—marketing and merchandising is great, but this is more about popularity than it is about the product.  You must resolve to milk this while you can, but don’t take yourselves or your perfume too seriously.  If Gloria Gaynor came out with a fragrance today, it wouldn’t matter how good it smelled.  No one would be interested.

  • Nelly—Stay away from Nashville.  No connecting flights, no concerts, no contact at all with country music in 2005.  Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, and George Jones are all off limits this year.  That’s why we have Kid Rock.

  I’m sure that these celebrities will uphold my resolutions for them as well I would my own.  And there is some comfort in that, I suppose.  We make resolutions to break them, and then we forget them.  Take a moment and try to remember last year’s resolution.  I know it’s disappointing.  They are supposed to be.  Happy New Year.

-From Pulse
   January 6, 2005

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