’Tis The Season

  I won’t say that I understand where Scrooge was coming from, but for those of us over the age of 15, the Christmas season is a stressful time.  Between decking the halls (with more boughs of holly than your neighbor) and enduring the maddening crowds at your local one-stop shopping mecca, it can be difficult to approach the holidays with the same pie-eyed wonder that we did when we were young.

  For me, it started shortly after Thanksgiving this year.  It started in the holiday home décor department, standing before rows of Christmas lights.  As I stood there, between grazing, pre-lighted reindeer and seven-foot inflatable snow globes, I had a decision to make.  Would I allow myself to be outdone by the neighbors again this year, or would I spend my Christmas bonus on reindeer, snow globes, candy canes and carousels that would just take up space in the garage for the next 11 months?  I threw in the towel, and bought enough lights to adorn the rooftop—seven strands—and some of those icicle light thingys for the front porch.  Guess I won’t be winning the United Way home-decorating contest this year.

  Then came the office holiday party, which can typically be tricky things, and the annual gift exchange.  Because I’m in radio, and work for a company that owns four stations, my office party is never short on entertainment.  Imagine 20 or 30 people with, let’s say “strong personalities,” and their dates, packed in to a small banquet room at a very nice restaurant with an open bar.  It’s always entertaining, but I often wonder how so many of us are invited back, year after year.

  Of course Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Christmas shopping.  This year, I managed to pack all of mine into three stress-filled days.  Finding the perfect gift for someone is hard enough, but doing it while creeping through aisles crowded with unfriendly people should have its own Excedrin headache number. 

  Then there’s holiday traffic.  Leaving the crowded stores and hitting the crowded streets is too much for most people to deal with in one lifetime.  I’d love to see the statistics on holiday fender-benders, because in my three days of shopping, I probably saw twenty accidents.  Nothing can put you in the holiday spirit like hearing the words, “Merry Christmas, honey.  I wrecked the car.”

  So let’s assume you survive the shopping and the traffic, and you make it home with your presents.  Then comes the wrapping--paper and ribbon and bows and tissue paper and newspaper and tape and gift boxes and gift bags and gift tags and scissors, strewn from one end of the house to the other, peeling off price tags, remembering gift receipts, hunched over a workspace that’s too low, paper cuts and backaches—for days.

  And then the family shows up.  Because that’s what the holidays are about, right?  Family?  Parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and nieces and nephews.  And cooking—turkey and dressing, rolls and cranberry sauce, gravy and pies. 

  Christmas is a wonderful time.  But it takes a lot of hard work, and sometimes the people around you don’t make it any easier.  I know it’s hard, but this Christmas try to remember what it’s all about—love and peace and patience and goodwill.  I know it’s hard, but don’t ruin it for the rest of us. 

-From Pulse
   December 21, 2006

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Black Friday vs. Cyber Monday

  Have you recovered yet from your Black Friday whirlwind madhouse shopping bonanza?  While standing in the produce aisle, are you still fighting the urge to start throwing elbows like Charles Barkley in the paint?  Now that the chaos is over, it’s time to debunk a few myths and set the record straight.

  Black Friday, the Friday after Thanksgiving, traditionally marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season.  It got its name because companies see it as an opportunity to skyrocket their sales into profitability, or out of “the red” and into “the black.”  And although 74% of consumers think that Black Friday is the busiest shopping day of the year, a recent poll conducted by MasterCard shows that Black Friday didn’t even crack the top 5 busiest shopping days of the holiday shopping season in 2005.  Early reports indicate that Black Friday sales climbed this year, up 6% from 2005, but that still may not be enough to turn the myth into a reality.  This year, with Christmas falling on a Monday, experts are predicting that the Saturday before will be the season’s biggest shopping day.  (FYI: If you’re looking to avoid the madness, the Sunday after Thanksgiving is traditionally the slowest retail day of the holiday shopping season.)

  Online sales slipped on Black Friday, which I believe is to be expected.  After all, bargain-surfing in front of the computer doesn’t provide the same kind of rush that one gets from storming the doors of a department store at 5 a.m., racing to the season’s hottest item—the Elmo TMX, for example—and snatching it from the hands of a stunned, pie-eyed child.  (I know, it’s a little extreme, but it happens.)  Many people need the adrenaline rush that Black Friday shopping provides in order to put them in the shopping mood and carry them through the season. 

  And that’s exactly why the Monday after Thanksgiving has been dubbed “Cyber Monday.”  When employees return to work and are sitting in front of their computers (with a faster internet connection), online sales spike.  According to the myth, Cyber Monday is the busiest online shopping day of the holiday season.  But in reality, it was beaten last year by December 12, the last day many online retailers offer free shipping for delivery before Christmas. 

  This year, Cyber Monday may live up to the myth.  Brace yourself; the following numbers are staggering.  This year, Cyber Monday sales were up 19% from last year.  At noon, online retail sites peaked out at 2,145,558 visitors per minute.  By 7 p.m., traffic was still at over 2 million hits per minute.  (YouTube, eat your heart out.)  And that traffic was driven by good reason; many online retailers were offering door-buster deals.  Amazon, for example, was offering Xboxes for $100.  They had 1,000 available at that price.  Those sold out in 29 seconds.

  Whether you do your shopping at brick-and-mortar retailers or online, there is something to the myths of Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  They may not be the busiest shopping days of the holiday season, but the deals can’t be beat. 

 -From Pulse
   November 30, 2006

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Holiday Craze

  With Halloween behind us and the holidays looming, cash registers are lying in wait with eager anticipation to officially ring in the holiday shopping season.  But this year, the traditional Black Friday—the Friday after Thankgsgiving—will come a week earlier for some.

  On November 17, Sony will release their latest gaming console, the PlayStation 3.  This time last year it was the Xbox 360 that had gamers’ hearts aflutter.  I remember passing lines of gamers as I walked into Best Buy last winter, gamers who camped overnight in sleeping bags outside of the store to be the first on the block to have the year’s coolest toy.  This year Sony is a shoe-in for the most-sought-after gadget, and next Thursday you can expect to see the same kind of insanity, I would imagine.

  If you’re a gamer, I suppose the PS3 is worth getting all worked up about.  There are two versions, according to the Sony website.  Both configurations use Blu-Ray Discs, Bluetooth wireless controllers, four USB ports, and a microprocessor called the Cell Broadband Engine, developed exclusively for the PS3, which utilizes eight cores to distribute the processor workload.  (Traditional consoles have used “single-core” processors, which are slower and less efficient.)  However, one version will cost $599 and one will run $499.  The costlier model comes with Memory Stick/SD/CompactFlash slots (similar to the ones found on the front of many computers) and a 60-gigabyte hard drive. The cheaper version comes without the slots and a 20 GB hard drive.  Both models will impress gamers enough to have them digging out those sleeping bags.

  The “Sleeping Bag Effect” is a reasonably new phenomenon.  Remember the Tickle-Me Elmo craze that swept the country during the holiday shopping season of 1996?  Of course you do.  It all started with Rosie O’Donnell showing one off, which ignited a brushfire of demand—demand that (legitimately) far exceeded the supply.  Insanity ensued, and soon the $12 toy was selling for thousands of dollars on the “black market.”  The Cabbage Patch craze of 1986 was similar, but pales in comparison to the Elmo fiasco.

  Now, as Christmas 2006 looms, manufacturers have developed a do-it-yourself equation for the “Sleeping Bag Effect.”  By undersupplying the market during the prime-shopping season, they can generate a higher demand for their product.  As demand rises, the high prices seem less significant, which helps pay for the development of the technology.  The demand-side insanity helps drive press and publicity for the product, and soon everyone knows about the year’s hottest gadget. 

  In the months following Christmas, prices will likely drop as more PS3’s hit the market.  But even that knowledge will do little to curb the “Sleeping Bag Effect.”  No self-respecting gamer will want to wait until April or May to get their hands around their own PS3 controllers.  Ahem, Bluetooth wireless PS3 controllers.

-From Pulse
   November 9, 2006

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A Season’s End

  With Christmas behind us, it’s time for another yearly tradition to begin to unfold.  In the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, an American ritual can be seen as it plays out at customer service desks in every American city. 

  Like a beacon in the night, like our shining North Star promising salvation, signs and greeters point the way.  Signs that read: “Exchanges & Refunds.”

  After all, we have been wronged, right?  Given a bath salt gift set, or lollipop-print curtain set, what are we to do?  These gifts may be well-intended, but should’ve been intended for someone else.  It doesn’t make us bad people.  We know what we want, and it’s not a two-sided jigsaw puzzle of your favorite scenes from “Deliverance.”

  Rule number one in gift-giving: don’t buy for others what you secretly want for yourself.  If you buy a fruitcake, eat it.  Don’t give it to your mother-in-law.  She deserves something more dangerous, anyway.

  Gift cards are great.  Cash is even better.  Gift receipts are a nice gesture, but are like gift cards with the added hassle of standing in the exchange line the day after Christmas.  If you care enough for someone to give a gift, make sure it’s not ugly clothes that don’t fit.

  Cash may be impersonal, but no one opens an envelope and says, “Oh, this again.”  As a gift-giver, the only problem with giving cash is that you can’t lie about how much you spent on their gift.

  Guys:  never, ever buy your girlfriend exercise equipment (like a ThighMaster or an exercise bike).  Same goes for a gym membership.  EVEN if she says she wants it.  Tell her she doesn’t need it, and take her for some ice cream.  New Year’s Eve is a sad time to be single.  Some of you probably already know this.

  Rule number one of gift-receiving:  Smile, but if you don’t like it, don’t take it out of its packaging.  Once it has been opened, it can’t be exchanged.  Or re-gifted. 

  Re-gifting is another option, a last resort.  But remember, everyone you know will have a birthday in the year to come, and most will be happy you even remembered at all.  One man’s bad gift is another man’s “nice gesture.” 

  Goodwill toward men goes right out the window the day after Christmas.  Apparently, nothing takes a toll on holiday cheer like surviving the holidays.  Anyone who has ever spent time in the exchange line on the 26^th knows what I’m talking about.  When you’re stuck in a slow-moving line between a mother of nine and three senior citizens with two good hips between them, peace on Earth is a distant concept.

  If all of your gifts this year were bad gifts, remember that you have options.  Stand in line for that hard-earned exchange, or wrap ‘em up and give them to someone more deserving.  After all, one bad gift deserves another.

 -From Pulse
   December 30, 2004

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My Wish List

  With Christmas only two days away, it is something of a tradition this time of year to search our hearts for the things that we’re looking for.  Wanting.  Wishes. 

  Peace on Earth is always a popular one, but this year it hits a little closer to home.  Many Americans will be spending the holidays away from their loved ones as they serve their country, and our thoughts and prayers go out to them.  And so this year, at the top of my wish list: peace on earth.

  I wish that no child had to go without during the holidays.  In a season of abundance, of goodwill and charity, it should be the only time that poverty isn’t felt.  It’s a lofty goal, and I thank Jack and Peggy Petrowsky and all of the Toys for Tots volunteers for working this year to bring it a little closer to reality.  Our stations have been very involved in the Toys for Tots campaign, and it has been a blessing.  Thank you to all of those who donated toys to this year’s campaign.  You may never know the difference you make.

  I wish for a year with more time to spend with family.  And another year of good health for my grandparents, whom I’m not able to see as much as I’d like. 

  On a lighter note, I wish that everyone would begin changing the channel when a reality show came on, in an effort to send the message to TV executives that they’re taking this a little too far.  Don’t clutter my cable with ill-conceived, poorly-acted and generally uninteresting programming about talentless, greedy, self-serving lunatics trying to capture 30 seconds of fame and fortune.  That’s why I have C-Span.

  I genuinely wish that more child TV stars would grow up to be significant actors and actresses.  Perhaps then they wouldn’t be compelled to start singing.  Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Raven Symone: this means you.  Take a tip from the Olsen twins, and stick with your day job.

  I wish that one celebrity in the family was enough.  Ashlee Simpson, Nikki Hilton.  Also, I have reason to believe that we’ll be seeing more of Britney’s little sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, in the year ahead.  Rumor has it that she was just given her own show on Nickelodeon.  Only the tabloids care if these siblings are in the public eye.  Take a tip from Roger Clinton.  It’s a short ride.

  This is a short wish list.  However you choose to spend your holidays, I invite you to take stock of what’s important to you.  Come up with a wish list of your own.  New Year’s resolution time will be here before you know it. 

 -From Pulse
   December 23, 2004

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Tis What Season?

  Christmas is coming.  Santa Claus is loading up his sleigh.  In department stores across town, the eyes of children twinkle like so many Christmas lights at the mock stockings hung from mock fireplaces.  Soon it will be Christmas.  But they have something else on their minds.

  Yes, this time of year has always been a stressful one for kids.  I mean, it’s a big decision, trying to decide what to be for Halloween.  And now it’s being coupled with the year’s single most important decision: what to ask for this Christmas.  Under these circumstances, neither decision gets the attention it warrants.

  But those in the 10-and-under set aren’t the only casualties.  On Tuesday I went shopping for Halloween candy.  When I got home I realized I had little chocolate Santas.  Stocking stuffers!  Duped again!

  For college students, mid-terms are looming and they’re being bombarded with reminders that finals are just around the corner. 

  I realize that Christmastime is retail’s cash cow, but I can remember a time when the day after Thanksgiving kicked off the Christmas season.  One-stop shopping is great, but I don’t need to shop for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations on the same day.  In September.

  The movie industry is always quick to jump on the bandwagon of Yule, too.  Soon theaters will be filled with warm-spirited, child-oriented Christmas flicks.  It remains to be seen whether those will be hitting screens before Thanksgiving this year or not.  But I wouldn’t be surprised.  Trailers are already being shown for “Surviving Christmas,” the not-so-warm-spirited dark comedy that hits theaters soon.

  Television (and cable networks in particular) will be splashing Miracle on 34^th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, and the neo-classic Home Alone across every station, every day.  And they’ll probably start within the next few weeks.

  Radio seems to be the last bastion of that time-honored tradition.  On the stations I help program, Hot 103 and Vista 98.7, Christmas music doesn’t hit the airwaves until the first of December.  We start off light and build up to Christmas Eve, when some of our stations go all-Christmas at noon.  But even then, we try not to play “Feliz Navidad” more than once an hour, and quite often we succeed.

  But, please, let’s not lose sight of reality.  It’s not even Halloween yet.  We have costumes to pick out.  We have an election to worry about.  We have Thanksgiving plans that have yet to be made.  So, as responsible proprietors, shop-keepers, and merchants, please put away the strings of lights and tinsel.  We know it’s coming, and you’ll get our business in due time, but we have other things to worry about right now.  I’ve got three Halloween parties this weekend, and I haven’t got a costume.

  Perhaps I’ll go as Santa Claus. 

-From Pulse
  October 28, 2004

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