Subject: Dear John

  For two and a half years I’ve been writing this column.  Some weeks, the topics are hard to come by; nothing seems to be happening.  Other times, I have an idea weeks in advance.  And then there are the columns that seem to write themselves.  There are long weekends when Britney Spears freaks out, checks herself into rehab, then checks out and shaves her head. 

  Regrettably, that is an issue that I’ll have to pass up—or save for another day—because I had already planned a follow-up on last week’s column about online dating. 

  Last week, I told you about the surprisingly high odds of finding your soulmate electronically, through online dating.  But with Valentine’s Day behind us, many of you may be looking for a way to break up with your one-time Valentine.  (It’s no secret that many of us have held it together just long enough to make it through Valentine’s Day, so that we don’t have to spend it alone.  Oh, and for the goodies too!)  But now, maybe it’s time to cut them loose.

  It seems to be fairly common nowadays to use text messaging to tell that not-so-special someone that it’s over—which brings us back to Britney.  It has been reported that Britney told K-Fed that it was over in a text message he received last November while he was taping an interview for Canadian television.  In fact, a recent survey commissioned by cell-phone maker Samsung Telecommunications America found that 11 percent of Americans think that it’s okay to break up with someone using a text message.

  With the advances in technology, the traditional “Dear John” letter has also undergone a transition and entered the technological sphere.  In these modern times, hearing “you’ve got mail” could mean “I never want to see you again,” as “Dear John” letters have been replaced with “Dear John” e-mails. 

  But if you don’t want to do your own dirty work—whether by cell phone or e-mail—there are dozens of online sites devoted to helping you jettison that dead weight, and doing it with all of the dignity and respect your soon-to-be-ex may or may not deserve. 

  You may want to try the Breakup Butler, which will e-mail an audio message to the object of your rejection, alerting them that your love affair is, unfortunately, over.  It claims to be a “kind, gentle, proper breakup,” but only if “they can get past the fact that you’re using a dumb/impersonal/cowardly web service like this to deliver the message.”  If you would rather the message be unkind, the site offers a not-so-nice message delivered in a female voice.  The service is completely free, and can be found at www.breakingupiseasytodo.com.

  There are literally dozens of other sites that will deliver the message for you in any way you could imagine, but if you don’t want to get into a situation where you’ll have to be breaking up down the road, you may want to check out the rejection hotline at www.rejectionhotline.com.  The site offers fake phone numbers—in more than 80 area codes—that you can give to strangers who come onto you in bars.  When the number is dialed, the caller hears a recorded message that lets them know that you’re not interested.  (FYI, New  Mexico’s rejection hotline number is 505-310-2496.)

  With Valentine’s Day in the past, perhaps it’s time to close the door on that floundering relationship.  Log on and break up!

-From Pulse
   February 22, 2007