2007 Resolutions

  A new year is here, and new years come with a lot of traditions.  Whether it’s Dick Clark or bowl games, parades or black-eyed peas, we like to adhere to time-tested ways of ringing in the new year.  As we say goodbye to the year that was and gracefully slip into 2007, the year is greeted with another “Pulse” tradition: our 3^rd annual New Year’s resolutions for other people.

  • Kate Moss:  If the rumors about her weekend marriage to no-good rocker Pete Doherty turn out to be true, Ms. Moss needs to put “annulment” at the top of her “Things-To-Do-In-2007” list.  And I’m talking about a Cher-and-Gregg-Allman, Britney-and-that-first-guy, lickity-split, ink’s-not-dry, pre-honeymoon annulment. 

  • Eminem:  I know love is confusing and love can be strange, but NO MORE MARRYING KIM.  Not for the kid, not because she’s changed, and not because she lost 3½ pounds or doesn’t eat Skittles anymore.  Not for ANY reason.  Let’s try to go all year without a wedding and/or a divorce.  Whaddya say?

  • Mark Foley and Pastor Ted Haggard: Find a new job.

  • Katie Rees, former Miss Nevada USA:  Ditto.

  •  Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, Haley Joel Osment, Mike Tyson, John Michael Montgomery, Nicole Richie, George Michael and Tom Wopat:  The new year brings new opportunities for you.  This year, rework your budget and factor in a personal driver.  Celebrity DUI’s may have been big in 2006, but Mel Gibson ruined that for everyone.  If Billy Joel can clean up his act, so can you.  Let’s go for a no-repeat 2007.

  •  Naomi Campbell:  2007 is going to be a good year for you, as soon as you check yourself into anger management classes.  As a culture, we are tolerant of bad behavior from supermodels.  (See Kate Moss.)  Second order of business for the new year: a cell phone endorsement deal.

  • Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards, Heather Locklear, Richie Sambora and David Spade:  Great work in 2006, but in the new year you should be looking for syndication and distribution.  Your tangled web of marital meltdowns and backbiting NEEDS a network home.  Talk about a show that has it all.  Collectively, you could breathe the life back into reality TV.  Get Mark Burnett on the phone.  Now!

  • Heather Mills:  Enough already.  Every time you open your mouth, someone else begins hating you, and your divorce settlement gets smaller.  Enter 2007 in silence, and see if things don’t get better.  Sign up for some Jennifer Anniston classes, and stop being so darn hateable. 

  •  Celebrity Scientologists:  Tom Cruise, Isaac Hayes, John Travolta, Kirstie Alley and the rest of you.  If you want to believe in alien saviors, that’s fine.  Really.  But when you can’t stop talking about it, the rest of us kinda start thinking you’re crazy.  And it’s not really an anti-Scientology thing.  We look at Kirk “The End Is Near” Cameron and Stephen “God Hates Porn” Baldwin the same way.

  I’ll leave you with a quick reminder of last year’s advice.  If you are going to make a resolution for yourself, keep it to yourself.  It reduces accountability, and you won’t be hearing “I told you so” in March.  Happy new year.

 -From Pulse
   January 4, 2007