Death: The Lighter Side

  There are two sure things in life, as the expression goes, and one of them is death.  They say the other is taxes, but taxes can be repealed.  So the other must be genuine loyalty—the loyalty of a diehard fan.  Rain or shine, face-painted, foam-fingered, sub-zero and shirtless, win, lose or draw, never miss a game fanatics.

  And now the twain have met, thanks to a company called Eternal Image Incorporated, who recently inked a deal with Major League Baseball to begin manufacturing caskets emblazoned with the logo of your favorite Major League team.  Think about it: the Yankee Coffin will be the biggest thing to hit the Bronx since the cheer that bears its name.  Not into burying?  Eternal Image will also manufacture Major League Urns.  Of course, MLB will be taking its cut of the sales, but Eternal Image could be sitting on a gold mine.

  But what if you’re not a baseball fan?  What if you’re a fan of Longhorn football, for example?  A company named Collegiate Memorials has been making a variety of caskets that don the logos of a variety of NCAA teams.  You may not be able to get a UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs coffin, but Collegiate Memorials does sell 46 varieties, among them the most popular of NCAA teams.  One of the perks of the NCAA caskets is that they’re not sport-specific.  A coffin sporting the Fighting Irish logo would appeal to fans of Notre Dame’s football, basketball, baseball, rugby or water polo teams indiscriminately.

  NASCAR fan may want to invest in the “Race Is Over” casket, sold online at casketxpress.com, which, according to the website, “not only portrays the image of the actual ‘race track,’ but also casts the thought of life and its finish as the ultimate ‘race.’”  It features, appropriately, a large checkered flag, and will run you about $2,500.

  For golfers, CasketXpress offers the “Fairway To Heaven” coffin.  Another website, adusa.com sells the “Last Hole” coffin, a stunning sunset near the head, a ball about to drop into the 18^th hole where the feet would go.  It’s a subtle analogy, but not one that would likely be lost on an avid golfer.

  And these are just the sports-themed coffins.  With a little searching you can find caskets for truck drivers, tourists, motorcycle lovers, hunters, firefighters, and fishermen.  For the art aficionado there is a casket covered in Monet’s “Water Lillies.”  And for the Bob Vila type, rockler.com sells the plans and hardware—from lid supports to separable hinges—to build your own.

  Of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the famous Kiss Kasket, complete with the Kiss seal of approval, and sold exclusively at kissonline.com.  Gene Simmons himself was planning to be buried in one, but donated his to the family of “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott, the former guitarist for Pantera who was shot and killed onstage during a 2004 show. 

  But if you shell out the big bucks on a vanity coffin, you want it to be seen.  And what if some members of the family can’t make it?  You may want to have your service at Star of David Memorial Chapel in East Rutherford, NY, which is now offering live webcasts of services for the benefit of the bereaved who can’t make it.  Co-owner Kevin Gray says, “Instead of delaying the service, out-of-towners, or the very sick, can still take part even if they’re not there physically.”

  They still won’t miss out on your designer coffin.

-From Pulse
   June 29, 2006