Another New Year

With the new year upon us, it’s time once again for another rousing round of resolutions. This is the time of year we all resolve to become better people, in one way or another. We promise to upgrade our Human Operating System to version 2.0; we’ll be kinder, quit smoking, lose weight and spend more time with family.

Of course by March, we’re back up to a pack a day, twenty pounds over our “holiday weight,” and stealing our co-worker’s stapler in the middle of the night. That is why, for the second year in a row, I won’t be making any resolutions of my own. Instead, I’ve decided to once again make resolutions for other people.

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes—In 2006, Tom and Katie must resolve to get a room. And stay there. Maybe Tom should follow Johnny Depp’s lead; move to Europe and become obscure.

• Madonna—It’s time to hang it up. You’re not Tina Turner. No more children’s books, no more albums, no more horseback riding. Just sit back and enjoy the role of pop royalty. Do Ellen, do Regis, do Letterman, and then just relax. It’ll be okay. We won’t forget you. But if you keep making Juarez-club music, we’re going to pack you up and move you there.

• Movie Production Companies—Okay, we’ve tried a year without any Christmas movies; it didn’t work. In years past, we have had two or three Christmassy releases in theaters by August or September. Now, this usually ticks me off, but this year holiday moviegoers were forced to see “Harry Potter And The Goblet of Fire.” Again. In 2006, I expect to see more Christmas movies in theaters. Bring ‘em back, and no later than August.

• Paris Hilton—In the coming year, you must stop calling yourself an “actress.” I saw “House Of Wax,” that’s not acting. And that other tape you made? Well, that’s probably acting but it’s not very good. In fact, you should assume the title of “anomaly.” You’re famous for doing nothing at all, and that’s rare. Even the “where’s the beef” lady was famous for saying “where’s the beef.”

“Socialite” is even a stretch, because it implies grace and dignity.

• Record Companies—No more re-issues of CDs that are only five months old. This year we saw Super Special Collector Editions of several of the year’s best sellers, each with two or three “bonus tracks.” Okay, I’ve already purchased the CD once. Now I have to buy it again?

You’ve already sold a million copies; now you’re relying on cheap marketing gimmicks to sell a million more. It’s this kind of corporate greed and disrespect for the consumer that causes people to copy CDs illegally.

I’ll leave you with a little advice. As we shut the door on 2005 and step into 2006, keep your own resolutions to yourself. It reduces accountability and makes them easier to break.

-From Pulse
December 29, 2005