For Her

  Valentine’s Day is for girls.

  No, really.  Guys don’t want chocolate and flowers and teddy bears.  And it seems, at Valentine’s Day, everything is pink and overpriced.  Guys don’t want anything pink. Valentine’s Day is just for girls.

  Now, in my own defense, I’m not un-romantic.  Not at all.  But I do think it’s a little silly that we turn into such fools on Valentine’s Day.  We scramble, usually at the last minute, to get that $75 bouquet of roses, and that $30 stuffed animal, and that $12 box of chocolates.  Oh! And a card.  But they only have two left to choose from:  the one that says “Happy Valentine’s Day, Grandma!” and the one with a monkey on the front picking his nose.  So we get that one.

  In grade school it’s different.  It’s easy.  You give valentines to everyone.  Girls, boys, and the teacher.

  “Dear Cindy, you have pretty hair.  Love, Damien.” 

  “Dear Billy, you have cool shoes.  Love, Damien.”

  “Dear Ms. Schwartz, Be My Valentine.  Love, Damien.”

  Take a walk through any department store or gift shop in the days before Valentine’s Day.  You’ll see what I’m talking about.  There is nothing of interest to a guy.  Well, except the lingerie, maybe.

  I think it’s no coincidence that Valentine’s Day always falls about two weeks after the Super Bowl.  First we have our day, and then they have theirs.  And nothing says “I’m sorry for the way all of my friends acted in front of our children” like $122 worth of red and white and pink and chocolaty rubbish.

  Ladies, you’re easy to shop for.  We, on the other hand, are not.  We’ve already established that guys don’t want anything that you want.  (Except the lingerie, maybe.)  And you might want to get us a watch.  But we may love the watch that we’ve got.  And you may want to get us something with our initials engraved on it, like a money clip or flask or cigarette case.  But we probably won’t use those things.

  For girls, Valentine’s Day is about sentimentality and love and emotions.  For guys it’s about guilty pleasures. 

  So here’s what you do: get us something that, if we got for ourselves, we’d get into trouble for.  Like that new video game we’ve been wanting.  Or that “Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, Season One” DVD.  Or the CD we’ve been wanting.  And a card.  It will be much less expensive than the $122 worth of pink stuff we get you, and you’ll be the coolest girlfriend or wife ever.

  Please keep this in mind when you are shopping for us.  There’s no way around all of the things we have to get for you.  But at least, when we wake up on the fifteenth, we’ll have “Ozzy’s Greatest Hits.  And a card.

-From Pulse
  February 10, 2005