A Time for Thanks (2004)

  Thanksgiving is a good-spirited holiday.  It’s more than a day off in the middle of the week when embittered carb-counters sit around and scowl at stuffing, gravy, yams, and that weird green marshmallow pudding—everything but the bird, in fact.  It’s a day of reverence. It’s a day to reflect on those things for which we are thankful. 

  Different families celebrate Turkey Day in different ways.  However, lately it has become more about the football, the parades, the beer and tryptophan-induced naps.  We need to get back to the true spirit of Thanksgiving, and take a little time to show our gratitude for those little things that make us smile the rest of the year.

  This Thanksgiving, I have come up with a short list of things for which I am thankful.  I encourage you to do the same.

  •  I am thankful that Janet Jackson was asked to perform at the halftime show at this year’s Super Bowl—and that Aretha Franklin wasn’t.  As far as “wardrobe malfunctions” go, it could have been worse.

  •  I am thankful for the invitations I have declined.  Invitations to the Neverland Ranch, the Vibe awards, last Friday’s Pacers game, and Nicky Hilton’s wedding. 

  •  If I could, I would personally thank the Hilton and Simpson sisters for not saying anything during the Presidential campaigns.  Ashlee Simpson, however, may have taken it a little far.  (Unfortunately, it would’ve been unfair to ask the same of the Bush twins.)

  •  I am grateful that I don’t live under the insane laws of Singapore, where—until this past May—it was illegal to chew gum. 

  •  I’m thankful that I don’t live in New York City, where citizens must rely on David Lee Roth to save their lives.  (Roth has given up the spotlight and the stage for the life of an EMT.)  Although, given the choice, I’d rather my life be in the hands of David Lee Roth than Sammy Hagar.  For a lot of reasons.

  •  I’m glad I’m not Bill Gates. (Did I just say that?)  Yes, when I’m cleaning out my e-mail inbox every morning, I’m happy that I’m not Bill.  Last week, a representative for Microsoft said that Gates receives more than four million junk e-mails every day.  Maybe that’s why his mortgage rates are so low.

  •  I’m thankful for the cast of “The Surreal Life.”  And Tara Reid, P. Diddy, Michael Moore, Anna Nicole Smith, R. Kelly and Jay-Z, Ruben Studdard, Madonna and Michael Jackson.  Oh, and the Coors Light twins.  Without them, things would get a little dull.

  We have a lot to be thankful for. 

  This Thanksgiving, let’s come to terms with our own mundane lives.  Seize the remote, do a little channel surfing, and count your blessings.  You have it better than they do.  Trust me. 

 -From Pulse
  November 25, 2004